Face turned Away

"Tango is about attunement, and so is love."

Quote by Sue Johnson

Back in college, it was difficult for me to express in words my feelings or thoughts to someone face-to-face. Instead, I would write letters. This gave me the opportunity to think thoroughly on how I wanted to express my emotions.    

I remember there was one specific day I had a misunderstanding with a friend and so I did what I was comfortable with, which was write a letter. My friend responded, "hey, I appreciate your letter but lets talk in person."   

I wasn't expecting that, but I agreed to meet. My friend knew it took a lot of courage for me to meet face-to-face. Out of courtesy when we met, my friend suggested we talk with our backs to each other. We were able to talk things out; there was forgiveness and reconciliation in our relationship. At the end we prayed together and I felt at ease to turn around to see my friend face-to-face.

When we argue with a friend, family, or spouse - its uncomfortable to speak our truth because our safety mechanisms react. We either fight, flee, shut down internally, or we appease the other individual without considering our own needs. Not all conflicts in relationships will look as easy or gracious as the example of my friend in college.

In therapy, a couples counselor may describe what is happening as a "tango dance" between spouses. The pursuer and distancer dancing with emotions or thoughts that are contrary to what each individual may consider as a safety net. The "tango dance" is a relational cycle, where the pursuer is someone who is always wanting closeness with the other individual. Whereas the distancer is someone seeking to gain more space away from the other individual. It becomes a negative relational cycle when the pursuer is not giving enough space to the distancer. While the distancer is not turning back towards the pursuer by communicating. 

Remember earlier when I mentioned that I had difficulty turning around to speak to my friend face-to-face? 

Isn't that just like how we are with God? God is the purser of our hearts. However because of fear or shame, we default to instinctual reaction—we become a distancer turning away from our Father God. Humans allow circumstances in life to dictate their emotions. Rather, depend on God and His affections for us in light of fear and shame. The LORD is our secure base.

He is (1) trustworthy (2) understands all of our complex emotions (3) communicates clearly through His word (4) joins us in the messiness with open arms. 

Let us not forget that we have a father who waits for us patiently to hear from us in prayer. God is not like human beings where it's difficult to give or receive forgiveness and reconciliation. He gives it to us freely and fully with tenderness. 

In relationships with other human beings lets turn around toward 'the other' face-to-face with curiosity, mercy, grace and love. 

Thanks for reading,

Bible Verse

Romans 1:21 NLT

"Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused." 

Ephesians 5:2 ESV

"and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragment offering and sacrifice to God."

Additional scripture to reflect on:

Isaiah 6:1-8

Reflections

1. Are you a pursuer, distancer, or both?

2. What are some ways where you are in a dance with God? Have you turned away from His face out of shame, fear, or etc

3. Which characters in the Bible can you relate more with to help guide you in your walk with Christ because of a situation you are in currently?